MEDIEVAL LIMERICKS
A knight kept ten girls in a wagon
when asked why he said "I'm not braggin'
they say I'm the guy
and I satisfy,
the truth is that I have one draggin'"
Prince William of York was quite mad
he chopped off the head of his Dad
then had it spit roasted
then char-grilled-then toasted
then ate it - and said "Not too bad."
To the church did the feudal Lord ride
with twelve swordsman silent beside
he swaggered in, grinning
and, though it was sinning
in the front pew he rogered the bride!
The Sherrif's collector, called Max
got into the village girl's dacks
they gave him their honey
cos they had no money
and somehow, they had to pay tax!
I jousted and fell from my horse
the Princess was nursemaid, of course
when I fondled her breast
the clever girl guessed
that the blood was just tomato sauce!
The vikings were ready to flee
They'd plundered, would now put to sea
While they'd been invadin'
A young English maiden
Was smitten, and cried "Wait for me!"
King Arthur assembled the court
they ogled at what he had brought,
back from the crusades
with marital aids
and two thousand bottles of port!
The castle ghost got very bold
the guardsman was not very old
a rattle of chains
demented his brains
he was frozen - and it wasn't cold!
The King heard some musical sounds
a lute player, down in the grounds
when he hit a wrong note
the King cleared his throat
and shouted out loud "Loose the hounds!"
The head of the old monastery
had a talkative yellow canary
the poor little bird
could not say a word
had his tongue pulled for yelling out "Fairy!"
A crofter from somewhere near York
said "I feel a bit of a dork,
I tried to get head
from the Laird's wife who said:
'Chop off the end of his stalk!'"
A minstrel, a cat and a squire
were singing one night as a choir
I know that it's sad
their voices were bad
the next thing you know: dragon fire!
A poor farmer went to the Pope
Said: "I'll be a saint now, I hope"
The Pontiff asked why
This was his reply:
"Two weeks ago I discovered dope!"
The archery contest was good
but all of the men understood
there was one way to win
so they turned with a grin
and pincushioned poor Robin Hood!
A witch who was burned at the stake
a terrible cursing did make
she looked at the Priest
made the sign of the beast
and that night he drowned in the lake!
Merlin let out a huge growl
as the umpire's whistle blew "foul"
he said "Fowl is it?"
and made a quick visit
then bashed up the ref with an owl!
A minstrel was singing one day
but some of the words went astray
instead of "low summer"
he crooned out "yo mama"
he died of his wounds yesterday!
An archer was bonking a wench
in the kitchen one night, on a bench
and when he was through
he asked "Good for you?"
she replied: "Yes, except for your stench!"
The blacksmith was plying his trade
he sweated as hammering made
these chastity belts
took hundreds of welts
he got richer with every crusade!
An outlaw was really a wreck
he looked at himself...what the heck...
why worry now?
to the crowd gave a bow
as they tightened the noose round his neck!
