GARDENING LIMERICKS
I planted a nice lemon tree
but no fruit was happening, see
these days I’m much wiser
I use fertilizer
coz that’s where I go for a pee!
Fine orchids are lovely and chic
the colors are rare and unique
with prices so high
I’m wondering why
the flowers last less than a week!
I planted some tulips last Fall
the wife doesn’t like them at all
they force her to sneeze
and attract bumblebees
it’s driving her right up the wall!
I grew me some carrots and beet
and cabbages too, they were neat
the bugs were okay
I kept birds away
but was robbed by the kids down the street!
My blood plums were early this year
which brought the whole neighborhood here
with polite servitude
I got them all stewed
not the plums – the neighbors – on beer!
My garden will really stand out
I’ve put in a huge waterspout
it’ll turn heads I bet
but hasn’t done yet
we’re still in the middle of drought!
I trimmed up my hedge, as you do
into animal shapes, like a zoo
they all looked s real
a neighbor, with zeal
tried to ride on the green kangaroo!
I ordered some dahlias from France
the bandicoots all had a dance
“When he goes to bed
we’ll all be well fed
we love eating imported plants!”
My fig tree was laden with figs
I gave some to old Mrs. Griggs
she said: “What a waste –
I’ve no sense of taste
it’s like feeding strawberries to pigs!”
My sewer was blocked by a root
I bypassed the thing with a chute
now sure, my trees smell
but God, they grow well –
though I’m too scared to eat any fruit!
I planted a seed, I was bored
and grew a miraculous gourd
it was shaped like a whale
with fins, head and tail
and I won a Greenpeace award!
I ordered some new bulbs by mail
and tried to grow orchids large scale
exotics won’t grow
under three feet of snow
or battered with blizzards and hail!
