JAMES BOND 007 LIMERICKS
The island that Doctor No had
was swampy and smelled rather bad,
the dragon breathed fire
the Doc was a liar
and Honeychile came – barely clad!
Bond gave her a lovely Rosetta,
then dined her on champagne and Feta,
but when she said no,
he said: “Double Oh...”
and finished her with his Beretta!
The Russian girl brought Bond a Lector,
but it was a plan worked by Spectre,
James Bond won again
but then, on the train,
the love-making bloody near wrecked her!
As usual, Bond got the bird,
excelling in bed, so I’ve heard,
he blew her away
then went the next day
and left her there, shaken, not stirred!
His watch was a Rolex, it’s true,
with special tricks that it could do,
a button for laser
and bad guy eraser
exquisitely fashioned by Q!
One night, playing Chemin de Fer,
James heard a cute spectator purr,
he pulled out his gun,
said: “This is no fun,
I’ll bet on my chances with her!”
At Rummy, Goldfinger was poor,
so he kicked in the Fort Knox front door,
but then he fell flat
James dodged Oddjob’s hat
and ended with Pussy Galore!
When M said: “I think I’ve been conned.”
it prompted old Q to respond:
“You think you’ve been ripped?
And fleeced, stung and gypped?
The culprit is easy: James Bond!”
They buried James Bond, it was nice,
but he took the sailor’s advice:
“Try holding your breath,
we’re faking your death,
remember – You Only Live twice!”
Her cries echoed right through the halls,
a bobby then answered her calls,
he asked: “What’s the crime?”
She said: “It’s sublime,
James Bond has got two Thunderballs!”
A phone call to MI6 said:
“James Bond has been shot, and he’s dead.”
Poor M cried and moaned:
“I wish he had phoned,
I would have sent Leiter instead!”
His body lay there in the crypt,
and Q said: “I feel I’ve been gypped.
Now James Bond is gone
the sequel ain’t on -
and it had a hell of a script!”
Bond dated a nurse known as Pat,
she told him to marry her, stat,
he simply said: “No –
you’re not double O
and frankly, a little too fat!
Oddjob was a really big meanie,
he killed with his razor sharp beanie,
he missed James’s head
got frizzled instead
Bond toasted his death with martini!
The health farm was somewhere in Devon,
the dietary nurse was in Heaven,
the watercress tea
was boring, you see,
but not so was 007!
The Asian guy acted so tough,
but he sauntered off in a huff,
he’d boasted his plan,
but Bond told him: “Man,
The World, when you’re mad’s Not Enough!”
Of caviar, Bond had his fill,
the waiter came up with the bill,
but James said: “No way,
I don’t have to pay,
coz I have a License to Kill!”
The waiters had evil intent,
and both were exceedingly bent,
but Bond wasn’t hurt
he used the dessert
and over the ship’s side they went!
His car was incredibly neat,
and went like a gun down the street,
with bulletproof shield
and megaton yield
and my favorite ejector seat!
Up high in the Austrian Alps,
Bond hunted the Spectre guys’ scalps,
his mission was plausible
but not that impossible
Jim, maybe – but NOT Mr. Phelps!
Bond loved a few ladies – well, many,
and knock-backs he never got any,
it got out of hand
so a wedding was planned
James Bond had to wed Moneypenny!
The Minister said: “Things are tough,
our budget’s been cut, and it’s rough,
Bond said: “What the hey,
I never get pay,
so frankly, I don’t give a stuff!”
The Man with the big Golden Gun
shot people for work and for fun,
but Bond played his game
and won fortune and fame
against odds of a thousand to one!
When Bond got the Diamonds for them
the Treasury boss said to M:
“Those gay guys were fools,
now we have the jewels,
and as for James Bond – he’s a gem!”
When Bond was held captive in ‘Nam
they traded him out of the jam,
at M’s house he said:
“They played with my head
and fed me rice crackers and Spam!”
